***
Still nothing
A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!” The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, let me know.”
A week later the guy is back: “Doc, still no movement!”
The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: “Doc, STILL nothing!”
The doctor, worried, says, “We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a musician.”
The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that’s it! Here’s $10.00. Go get something to eat!”
***
Cello
A young woman is taking cello lessons. She’s not all that good and during a particularly lamentable practice session, her teacher can’t stand it any more and says, “Lady, you’ve got between your legs an instrument that, if adequately caressed, could give boundless pleasure to you and thousands of other people; and the only thing you seem to be able to do is to scratch and scratch it!”
***
Tuxedo
An eccentric lady was in need of a piano player for her upcoming party. She placed ads and spread the word but could not find a suitable one. A bum knocked on her door and when she saw the state of his condition, she answered, “Go away.” He said, “Please, won’t you just give me a chance, I’m a piano player.” She was desperate so she let him in. After his performance, she couldn’t believe her ears. “Wow! That sounded great, best I’ve heard in years. What was the name of that song?” The bum answered, “Oh, it’s ‘I Love Me Wife So Much I Took A Big Dump’.” “Oh” she says, “How unusual, would you play another?” He proceeded to play another tune and again she was astounded by the performance. “That was fantastic” she said, “What was the name of that tune?” “That one is called ‘I Took My Wife From Behind And Made A Mess All Over That Carpet’.” “How unusual” she replied and said, “You’ve got the job, but please do me a favor and if anyone asks the names of your songs, please don’t tell them. And do something about your clothes; you look terrible. Go and buy a tux for the party.” The bum was happy about his new job and had never bought a tux before and wound up getting one that was three sizes too small. At the big party, the crowd was amazed at his performance once again. He bowed at the crowd back and forth and ripped out the whole rear end of his trousers. One lady stepped forward clapping and said, “Sir, you are a great piano player but do you know you have a hairy ass and your balls are hanging out?” With a smile, the bum replied, “Lady, know it? I wrote it!”
***
Anger vs. Exasperation
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”
With that, the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”
The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?”
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch . . .”
The father dialed the same number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.
“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of nerve calling again!” The receiver was slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”
He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, “HELLO!”
The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
***
Problem Child
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquillisers regularly.”
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquillisers calmed you down?”
“Yes” the mother answered.
“And how is your son now?” he asked.
“Who cares?” she replied.
***
Kiss The Mirror
A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.