– What means the phrase “multitudes”?
– It when badly works the TV!
Literature lesson. The teacher asks:
– Well children, you read War and peace?
Silence… One guy jumps up on a place with the dumbfounded eyes:
– And it that, it was necessary to read???
– And I copied!!!
At a literature lesson in computer lyceum:
– Gerasim was it… it… Well, it had no sound card.
– What is the abstract concept? – the teacher asks.
– I don’t know…
– Then listen! It that it is impossible to touch, but it is possible to think of it… You will be able to give an example now?
– The yes, heated iron …
– Vovochka that Gogol’s phrase means: “The rare bird will reach the middle of Dnieper”?
– That Gogol well knew birds. The normal bird on the middle of Dnieper has nothing to do…
At a lesson the teacher tells about Pushkin’s creativity. And then asks:
– Sasha how called Alexander Sergeyevich’s nurse?
– Decrepit washing a pigeon, – the pupil answers.
At school set the composition on a subject: “My parents”. The nine-year-old boy wrote: “We get parents at such age that to us not to disaccustom them to many habits any more”.
– Lesh, you have a remarkable composition! – the teacher – But why you didn’t graduate him speaks?
– Because the father was called urgently for work.
– Borodulin, to a board! Learned the poem?
– Ya … It … As it …
– Didn’t learn? Sit down, two!
– For what? And words didn’t allow to tell!.
– Well, begin.
– What to begin?
– I didn’t learn.
– Vovochka, – the teacher sarcastic tone asks, – you couldn’t explain to me why the composition which you handed over to me yesterday, word for word coincides with the composition written by your brother last year?
– And what here surprising, Mar Ivana? We after all have the general sister.
– Vovochka, make the offer with the words “cat” and “look”.
– When I incidentally stepped to a cat on a paw, he cried: “It is necessary to look where you come!”
Pupils write a dictation. The teacher dictates:
– “I like to watch flight of birds …”
– And if I don’t like to watch flight of birds, too to write me?
– Vovochka, who such Chapayev?
– This is the leader of Blacks!
– What else Blacks?
– Well, you told that he was at war against the white.
– Chapayev – the leader red!
– What, there and Indians were involved?
– What armor was carried on themselves by knights?
– Armor, chain armors, muzzles …
At a history lesson the teacher asks:
– Children, who such Spartak?
– “Spartak” – the champion! – children answer.
– Where Suvorov for the first time won a victory?
– On the hundred fourth page of the textbook!
– Civil war was in 1812.
– Yes?! Perhaps you also can prove?
– Well, citizens of Russia were at war with citizens of France.
– What event 1799 is significant?
– Pushkin was born…
– And 1812?
– Pushkina was knocked by 13 years!
– Rustam, – the teacher speaks, – tell about Columbus’s travel.
– Means, so. Columbus didn’t know where he came. And when came back home, I didn’t know, from where.
– Today at us will be control.
– And the calculator can use?
– Yes, it is possible.
– And protractor?
– A protractor too it is possible. So, write down a subject of the control: “History of Russia, XVII century”.
Vovochka systematically skipped chemistry lessons.
At final examination it got a task:
Experimentally to prove properties of nitric acid.
The global network came to the rescue. The first that gave out the search server, there was article about receiving nitroglycerine…
It was the last release of school.
Chemistry lesson. Teacher:
– Masha, what color at you solution?
– Correctly. Sit down, five.
– Katya, and you?
– Not absolutely correctly. Four, sit down.
– Vovochka, color of your solution?
– Two. Class! Lay down!!!!
Vovochka home comes and speaks to the father:
– The father, you in school are called. I blew up a school desk in an office of chemistry.
– The father, you in school are called. I blew up an office of chemistry.
For the third day:
– The father, you in school are called.
– I won’t go any more!
– Well and it is correct, there is nothing to go to you to ruins!
The pupil comes home with the tied-up hand.
Parents ask that with it.
– At a lesson of chemistry made experiments, and to me on a hand lemon acid got.
– Well and what? It doesn’t leave burns.
– Yes, but my neighbor decided it to neutralize and filled to me on NaOH hand.
Unique find! The only textbook of chemistry in the world for the 9th class in which Mendeleyev is represented without the drawn horns is found.
Teacher of physics:
— Children when in the dark during a thunder-storm you stroke a cat wrong way, what to you is evident?
Vovochka pulls a hand:
– Vovochka who such was Archimedes?
– Well … it was the scientist … somehow time he washed in a bathtub and cried: Eureka!
– And what eureka means?
– Well … it means found.
– And what it found?
– I don’t know … Soap, probably.
– Petrov why you so badly learn English?
– And what for?
– As what for? After all this language is spoken by a half of the globe!
– And unless it isn’t enough of it?
English lesson. The teacher asks pupils:
– Ivanov, du ю Speke English?
– Sit down, 3.
– Petrov, du ю Speke English?
– Sit down, 3.
– Sidorov, du ю Speke English?
– Yeah, sure and so what?
– For what the microscope is necessary?
– For microbes!
Biology lesson. Teacher:
– Vovochka, tell all class how earthworms breed?
– Division, Antonina Petrovna.
– And is more detailed?
At a zoology lesson. The teacher shows already to children:
— Well, children who will tell me, what it for an animal?
— No, Mashenka!
— Incorrectly, Petya! Well, Vovochka and how you think?
Vovochka, having stroked already:
— Here to what the school of Zmey Gorynych brought.
– Sidorov, – the teacher of biology speaks, – call a house canine friend!
The teacher at a lesson:
– What most useful birds for the person?
– Fried, Maria Ivanovna.
The teacher of geography asked Borya a question, whether he knows something about the Panama Canal.
– No, – the pupil answers, – on our TV of such channel isn’t present.
– Petya, tell, how many all parts of the world?
– Five, Vasily Petrovich.
– List them, please.
– Time, two, three, four, five.
In Germany at a geography lesson the teacher asks:
– Children how far there is Africa?
Hans pulls a hand and answers:
– I think, nearby.
– The Black works for my father in firm, and it comes by the bicycle.
The teacher of geography comes to the doctor.
– What hurts you? – that asks.
– To the northeast from a heel.
The singing teacher, having entered a class:
– And where my chair?
The class is silent.
– Then all to rise. All lesson we will study a national anthem.
Diary entry: “I shouted at a singing lesson, and it was necessary to sing silently”.
At a drawing lesson one pupil addresses to the neighbor in a school desk:
– Fine you drew! My appetite was played!
– Appetite? From sunrise?
– It is necessary! And I thought, you drew fried eggs!
The examiner asks the schoolgirl:
– I don’t understand, you prepared?
– I prepared, the whole evening! – having lit up, the schoolgirl answers and gets from a package of convolutions. – Here I how many prepared them!
– What is it?
– How – that? Pies with cabbage! It to you!
– Handed over?
– Yes, I handed over it seems…
– And what asked?
– Yes I didn’t understand, in English asked…
Before examination. Teacher:
– You don’t worry, all will receive a positive assessment.
– And positive is what?
– It is more than zero!
To study, learn and to study once again! in practice means one examination and two repeating an examination.
The first grader is dragged in school. He rests against all and shouts:
– Eleven years!!! For what?!!
– There are two things which I consider the most important, – the teacher told the first class. – The first is a purity. All of you walked over a rug before a door?
– Yes, of course! – chorus all class cried.
– Well. And the second is a truthfulness. Before a door there is no rug!
The father on a call. The strict, attentive man will arrive to the principal and will listen to the complaint to the client.
– Since we began to give to our madcap money for good marks, he began to carry home only the five! What do you think about it?
– It seems that they share revenue with the teacher.
The cleaner who worked at school of 20 years can hit from distance of 100 meters a rag a moving target.
At school distributed sheets with marks in a year. The boy comes back home and, looking to the father in eyes, speaks:
– The main thing, what all of us are healthy, however, the father?
– Petrov, – the teacher during a lesson speaks, – wake the neighbor.
– Why I? After all it you lulled him!
– Sparrows, – the teacher told, – you again didn’t do homework! Why?
– Igor Ivanovich, we had no light yesterday.
– And than you were engaged? Probably, watched TV?
– Aha, in the dark…
– To dement me to you, Saenko, won’t work well! You can be sure of that! What you are silent? Saenko! And, it didn’t come today…
The control. The teacher watches closely pupils and from time to time expels at whom I noticed spurs.
In a class the director of studies looks:
– What, control we write? Here probably full to pospisyvat fans!
The teacher answers:
– No, fans – already behind a door. There were only professionals.
Following the results of a year by “The best teacher” the fatherly belt with a buckle was again recognized!
The teacher before the control:
– Petrov! I, hope, what I won’t see how you write off today?
– I too hope, Maryivanna …
– Sidorov! My patience burst! Tomorrow without father don’t come to school!
– And the day after tomorrow?
The young teacher complains to the girlfriend:
— One my pupil absolutely tortured me: rustles, misbehaves, breaks lessons!
— But is at it though one merit?
— Unfortunately, is: he doesn’t skip classes.
The boy comes from school and declares:
– Everything, in school a foot is more!
– I am not able to read, to write too, and forbid to talk to me!
– And earlier you where worked?
– At school, the teacher of Spanish.
– You know Spanish?
– No. Therefore I in a year decided to leave.
– I at school competitions ran recently two kilometers in one minute!
– You lie! Same it is better than a world record!
– Yes, but I know a short way!
– Well to what you are forgetful, Anna Ivanovna, – the second-grader Petya is surprised, – after all you already asked it me, and I answered that I have no concept.
Than the good pupil differs from the bad?
The bad is thrashed by parents, and good – pupils.
– Mother how you studied at school?
– Of course, well.
– Aha, I will grow up, too I will speak so, and you tell how was actually.
The first grader came home the sad. Mother asked:
– What, again received the two?
– Aha, – the school student, – rather on pension heaved a deep sigh.
The ball still flied to the director’s window, and children already played at hide-and-seek…
Ron comes back from examination. Parents ask, what impression on it was made by the examining – professor Flitvik.
– Very devout person. When I answered, he continually raised eyes up and spoke: Oh God!
– The father, don’t go to PTA meeting to school tomorrow!
– It why? There will badly speak about you?
– Well, the father, about you!
The teacher – to the poor student:
– Also don’t take in head to speak: Yes, it isn’t ready! – so far I won’t stop speaking!
– Children who broke a window?
– Children who broke a window?
– I last time ask who broke a window?
– All right, Mar Ivanovna, that there. Ask and for the fourth time.
The son comes from school:
– Fathers, you told that if I pass into the 4th class, you will buy me the bicycle. And so, rejoice, we saved money.
– How many pupils in your class?
– With the teacher – eighteen.
– Therefore, without it – seventeen.
– Э, no! Without teacher in a class not a soul doesn’t remain!
The teacher became angry:
– Hans, it too! Today at you isn’t present not only notebooks, but even the textbook! You know how call the soldier without weapon?
– Yes, I know – the general.
– Jean, admit honestly who did for you your homework?
– The word of honor, I don’t know, the monsieur, I early went to bed …
The boy speaks to the grandmother:
– The granny, you are afraid of nothing?
– No, road!
– Neither elephant, nor lion, crocodile?
– No, darling.
– Oh, then you can look at my diary…
The teacher came to the guilty pupil home:
– Mother of the house?
– I didn’t come yet.
– And father?
– Too I hid.
– Well, the sonny, show the diary. What did you bring from school today?
– Yes there is nothing to show, there only one two.
– Only one?
– Don’t worry, the father, I still will bring tomorrow!
Phone call in a teacher’s room:
– Hallo! This is Anna Alekseevna? Mother Tolika speaks.
– Whom-whom? I badly hear!
– Shred! I report on letters: Tatyana, Oleg, Leonid, Ivan, Kirill, Andrey!
– What? And all children study in my class?
The pupil at a lesson:
– I don’t consider that deserved such low mark.
– I too, but below, unfortunately, already am not present.
The little girl comes from school home. Naturally, mother starts being interested at her that was at school.
– Today we read the fairy tale about the Red Hat.
– And to that we are taught by this fairy tale?
– She teaches us to remember well as our grandmothers look.
There is an excursion on a hell where for edification show to visitors sinners, tyrants and murderers who are exposed to different severe punishments. At last to eyes of tourists the tub with the boiling pitch in which quietly and efficiently the person of an intelligent exterior swims appears.
Intrigued, they ask it questions:
– You who?
– For what you appeared in a hell?
– Well you, unless it is a hell?.
– Marya Ivanovna, here I will grow up, I will become the big and important person, it will be a shame to you that you to me put the two.
– Putin, don’t act up!
There is such feeling as though the first three classes at school at your child is a competition between parents: who draws better, molds, glues…
Class reunion. Vovochka meets the cool:
– Mar Ivanovna, and remember I at lessons any hogwash bore?
– Of course, I remember, Vladimir Volfovich.
EG helped a mine to enter to the prestigious Moscow UNIVERSITY.
There is a first grader the first time to school by kindergarten. Behind a fence preschool children play in sand. He approached them, looked, sighed:
– With pleasure would join, but education doesn’t allow.
– Mothers, and why to teachers for September 1 flowers?
– That they thought that they have a holiday.
On a questionnaire question “That you are going to do after school?” graduates of schools in overwhelming quantity of cases gave the answer: “If carries, anything …”
At PTA meeting:
– Companion Sidorov, your son writes absolutely moronic compositions!
The father on a call. The strict, attentive man will arrive to the principal and will listen to the complaint to the client.
Paradox: at school of the teacher demand knowledge from pupils in all subjects, and know only one.
– How many will be, if eight to halve? – the teacher asks.
– If lengthways, two troyechka and if across, two zero, – Vovochka answers.
Tinder fungus – to the pupil:
– Smirnov, you that got into the socket – you want, that you how Tutankhamun, redressed?!
Respect the parents. They graduated from school without Google and Wikipedia.
The mathematics teacher with ease won in preference the thirteenth salary and bonus against the teacher of geography and according to his advice went to have a rest in places with the most beautiful name. But as it appeared, deaf and rotten.
Teacher to the pupil:
– Petrov, you was an excellent student, and the continuous two went now. You will be kept in the same grade. You won’t think again, will leave once again, and still…
– Now from institutes of all in army take away. And here without secondary education don’t take in army.
The teacher – to the hooligan:
– Petrov, get up and leave a class!
– And that I wouldn’t guess, what for this purpose it is necessary to rise…
Scientists established that fat children are brought by a cargo stork.
– You are happy with the bees?
– Very much. The truth I didn’t collect honey yet, but they izzhalit all my neighbors.
The teacher in kindergarten asks:
– Children, you can tell me who is cleverer: people or animals?
Here one girl speaks:
– Animals it is cleverer!
The teacher who is a little surprised with such answer asks:
– Why do you think so?
– Because when I talk to the doggie, it always understands me but when she talks to me, I never understand it.
The cat gets away from a dog and thinks: “I about the room chased yesterday a hamster, to him it was also terrible, a poor hamster, a poor pussy…” Here bang – a tree Kot climbed on a tree, recovered the breath, sits and thinks: “Well, a hamster, keep now!”
Two dogs talk:
– My so kind owner, attentive, careful.
– And mine well such dog!
– What impudence, your dog ate our chicken!
– Thank you that told, so now she can be not fed!
– Your dog dragged off my shoes!
is that so! My dog never came home the put.
– I am so lonely, – the bachelor to the friend Complains, – I don’t have anybody on light, except this only dog.
– And you buy one more dog.
Two monkeys speak:
– How to you my new friend?
– Frankly speaking, the girlfriend, externally it not really was pleasant to me. Sorry, but there is in it something from the person.
Mother – to the son:
– You that, broke all toys which were bought to you by the father?!
– No! There was still a hammer!
If you want that your children breathed fresh air, simply move the computer to the street or on a balcony.
– Well the sonny that you ceased to cry, – mother speaks to the whimsical son.
– I didn’t cease, I have a rest.
There is a boy with a dog. The man approaches it and speaks:
– You couldn’t give me a ball pen?
– A ball, give to the uncle a paw!
The little girl cries in a drugstore:
– Mother sent me behind medicine, and I forgot its name. I remember only that is a part метиламинофинилацетат…
– Mother and why the stork brought the brother, and I in cabbage was found?
– The stork dropped you.
– Mother, you called me?
– The father, and you called me?
– The grandmother, the grandfather, and you called me?
– Well, we will formulate a question in a different way: we will eat today in general?!
Asked the six-year-old little boy:
– Whom would you want to be?
– But for this purpose you are still too small.
– Anything. I could trade under the counter.
The city boy for the first time arrived to the grandmother with the grandfather to the village. In the yard of the house it saw some bottles from under milk put together and cried:
– The grandmother, I found a cow nest!
– From where you have a hole on trousers?
– There are I, so on a fence…
– The boy how you got to a tiger to a cage?
– And I in the yard, in a sandbox, dug a pole, dug, dug…
On birthday mother gives to the kid a beautiful toy.
– Well, what it is necessary to tell? – she asks. – What do I speak to the father when he brings home a salary?
– And it everything?
The teacher asks the six-year-old boy:
– Who sees everything who hears everything who knows everything?
– The neigbour, – the boy answers.
The girl speaks to mother:
– This wall-paper striped reminds me the father.
– In youth?
– No, in a shirt.
Mother persuades the daughter to take medicine:
– You present that it is aerated water – and it will be easy for you to drink.
– And give on the contrary? I will drink aerated water, and you will present that this medicine.
If under feet in the apartment dry dirt, so children didn’t wash the floor. If dirt wet, so was washed up.
– The father, is the truth, what people occur from monkeys?
– Of course!
– Means, you with mother adopted me?
The girl comes with a three-liter can dairy shop, stands in line… Approaches a counter.
– To you that, girl?
– And mother told – sour creams.
– How many to you are swept away?
– And mother told – sour creams.
The shop assistant took a can, filled it to the brim with sour cream and asks:
– And money?
– And mother told – in a can…
– Patch! It seems, these are the wrong bees, and they do the wrong honey!
– Winnie, is flies!.
– Winnie, and, Winnie! Here speak – a beastly cold, a beastly cold… And there is such concept how svinyachy cold?
– Yes, Piglet, such concept is, only it is called “jelly”.
Winnie-the-Pooh wishes a burro of News agency happy birthday, and then speaks:
– The news agency, likely, to you is a lot of years?
– Why you so solved?
– Judging by your ears, you them often were pulled.
– The patch, you know the family tree?
– Aha. Here my grandfather (sighs) was a chop. The father was (is proud) of a shish kebab…
– And you whom dream to become?
– And I (looks in the sky sadly so…) astronaut.
– What so that?
– Yes I am afraid I won’t get into a tube…
Winnie-the-Pooh and Piglet come back from guests.
– It wasn’t a shame to you, Winnie when you eight times approached with a plate behind the sweet? – Piglet asks.
– At all not, – the bear cub answers. – I said that I take sweet for you, Piglet!
The British scientists established that if in kitchen to include-switch off light each five seconds, cockroaches will die of shuttle run to and fro.
Two hedgehogs fell in a deep hole. Speaks to one another:
– What we will do?
– There now, and here without work you can’t.
The kangaroo jumps, jumps, stops, scratches a stomach. Jumps further, again stops, scratches a stomach and the kenguryonka gets from a pocket:
– How many time to tell you – you don’t eat cookies in a bed!
– What animal is cleverer – a cat or a dog?
– Of course cat!
– You sometime saw that ten cats dragged on the tundra a sledge with load?
– Petro, at you, speak, the laziest rooster in the district?
– Oh, also don’t speak! Neighbour’s crow in the mornings, and my reptile to them only according to nods.
Mosquito – to other mosquito:
– I don’t understand and how it is to people can be pleasant to beat itself all night long?
Monkey it is much cleverer than people. They didn’t start talking that them didn’t force to go to school.
Each pig has to construct a shed, grow up a pig and plant an oak.
The skunk shouldn’t be beautiful – its and so respect everything.
Fly with the daughter creep on a bald head. The fly speaks:
– When I was at your age, there was only a footpath…
The hunter asks a bear cub:
– Mother or father of the house?
– Then I will take away you with myself!
– Mummy, you want, I will photograph your daughter with the monkey?
Girl, monkey, girl… Mummy, mark the child with a dagger!
There is an ant on the wood.
Towards to it lizard.
Ant with astonishment:
– Oh, and you who?
– I – a dinosaur.
– So you died out!
– Lie. We were ill.
There is a hare on the wood, sees – the sheep cries.
– Who offended you? Yes I now will kill it!
– In – about – olk fights!
– A-a-a-a, wolf… Well, our greyish in vain won’t offend.
How the cow who doesn’t milk is called? Greedy person!!!
Snail, riding a turtle: “Wow! This speed!!!”
– Why bears walk in fur coats?
– Because in jackets they ridiculously look.
The wolf with very good sight howls to Pluto.
The little hedgehog got lost in the desert. He wandered until late at night, yet didn’t come across a cactus:
– Mother as you grew up!!!
From the school composition:
“The mouse is an animal which way is covered by the fainting women”.
All bees flied with honey, and one – such small and harmful with tar…
Two cockroaches rummage in a trash can. Tells one another:
– I ran in restaurant, around purity, an order, bittocks on tables yesterday…
– Well you tell any mucks behind food!
Inscription on the poster: “For the first time in the world! The trained turtles! Take on an arena a lap of honor on hinder legs!” Below addition: “Number lasts 12 hours”.
In zoological shop the boy looks at a turtle:
– Tell, – he asks the seller, – How much is it?
– 20 dollars.
– And without case?
The mouse in a mink speaks to the husband:
– You told that you will clean up, and itself disappeared.
– I also cleaned up on the street.
There is a horse around the city, sees in a show-window a straw hat. Looks in shop and asks:
– Let’s look at a hat!
– To you what size?
– Yes to me all the same, me for breakfast!
From school compositions:
“The woodpecker plopped down with summer on a branch and began to gnaw a tree”.
Every spring hares arrange swimming competitions, and every spring the grandfather Mazay breaks them.
In the TV of my cat two TV programs: when he sits on a window sill, he looks that occurs on the street. When I land it for a window, he looks that occurs at my place.
– My cat usually doesn’t object that I slept in the bed. But only – on the edge…
– Appease the cat! Yesterday he so shouted that my daughter was compelled to stop the lesson of singing!
– Forgive, but your daughter started shouting the first!
– Your cat awfully shouts at night!
– Yes, since the Down swallowed a canary, it imagined that is able to sing.
– Why your cat on a ceiling goes?
– Simply at neighbors the powerful vacuum cleaner!
– You said that your cat is good for mice, and he absolutely doesn’t catch them!
– And unless it is bad for mice?
Today the black cat stole a march on me, and then – back. Interestingly, it cancelled the decision or doubled effect?
– And I have an unusual cat!
– And that in it such unusual?
– Here, watch photos.
– Well, birdies, mice, small fishes, it is swept away… And what?
– The cat photographed!
– He was an ordinary cat, lay on the furnace and ate sour cream. But the army reached and it. You look at video “Puss in Boots”.
On the street two cats – house and vagrant meet. House asks:
– Listen and who feeds you?
– Anybody. I feed myself.
I don’t think! You are able to open cat’s canned food itself?!
First law of a cat: incidentally I woke up – you sing!
Second law of a cat: sleep sensitively!
– Oh, tell, and this is a cat or a kitty?
– And you on ears don’t see, perhaps?
– On ears? I don’t see!
– This is a rabbit!!!
Cat, sniffing at touch phone, I took 3 pictures, I sent 5 messages and I called a police squad.
Parents of children collect from a table at restaurant the lunch remains. The waiter asks:
– You for whom collect?
– For a doggie.
Children joyfully shout:
– Hurrah! Hurrah! will buy Us a doggie!!!
After walk with a dog the husband comes back home and speaks to the wife:
– I don’t know, what happened to our Jolly-boat – all way back it was torn and I whined, as if wanted to tell something.
The wife leaves in a hall, looks at a dog and speaks:
– He wanted to tell that he is foreign dog!
– Than you treat fleas at the dog?
– And they aren’t ill.
From school compositions: “The puppy laid down a stomach on a back and fell asleep”.
– You heard – removed new breed of bees. Angry, as dogs, and huge, as bears.
– And what, they and honey bring?
– Yes, in the market take away from grandmas and bring!
Elephant – a hybrid of the weevil, a silver carp and the Cheburashka.
The pike asks other pike:
– You what bull-calves love: in oil or in a tomato?
– Then we float to a motor depot.
The plate on a cage with a tiger: “Not to put fingers in a cage! Penalty one finger”.
From school compositions: “In the wood it is silent because animals go without boots”.
Camel in the desert, looking at turtles:
– Just I observed the movement of sand, and now I observe the movement of stones…
In the evening on a nose to a lion of the village of mol:
– A lion, a lion, and I will eat you!
– Yes well you!
In the morning the lion woke up from cold…
The crocodile floats and sees a frog, all grenades pineapples covered. He also asks:
– You that it, green, such armed?
And that to it:
– Yes here I decided to undermine a hippopotamus for that widely the mouth opens wide.
– A nu nu, – having put lips a tubule, the crocodile answered and fast departured…
There is a beaver, and on a meeting to him an otter.
– Hi, tydra!
– I am not a tydra, and an otter.
– Wasn’t enough for me any living creatures on “you” yet to call!
The ant and elephant went on reconnaissance. Suddenly the ant shouts:
– An elephant, lay down! I was noticed!
The man comes to pet-shop:
– There is at you something skillfully to talk?
– Is! Here – the speaking centipede.
The buyer comes home fed her and speaks:
– You will go for a walk?
The centipede is silent.
– You will go for a walk or not?
That again is silent.
– Deceived!!! What you are the speaking centipede?!
– Yes it is silent! I put shoes on!
– Barrymore, what it for terrible howl behind a window?
– It is The Hound of the Baskervilles, the sir!
– Barrymore, what it for a wild cry on bogs?
– This is a cat Baskervilya, the sir!
– Barrymore, and what it for deep, chilling silence?
– This is fish Baskervilya, the sir!
The elderly lady often visited one family. A master’s parrot, having seen it, every time shouted:
– What terrible, terrible!
The owner eventually became angry:
– If you behave outrageously, I in a zoo will hand over you.
There passed week, the lady again came and asks the owner:
– And what it is your parrot is silent?
– Itself you know that!
The snail brought down two turtles. The police asks turtles:
– Who is guilty?
– We don’t know, everything occurred so quickly!
The teacher of Russian bought the speaking parrot. Next day it came to pet-shop:
– Sorry, but your popugaychik tells awful things!
– We never heard that he swore!
– Well, you understand, it absolutely incorrectly conjugates some verbs…
– Fathers, give five rubles!
– The sonny, you already big to ask from me a trifle.
– You are right, the father, give one thousand!
Sasha declares to the teacher:
– And the father told that we occur from a monkey!
– Sit down! The history of your family doesn’t interest me!
The father on the furnace lies, speaks to the son:
– The sonny, you locked a shed?
– I locked…
– And pozatykat cracks that the cow didn’t get out?
The father calls from work home, is interested what about the sick little son:
– What temperature at you?
– Forty three.
– Yes you that?! Is that so!
– Can. Mother just now measured, and told: “Thirty six and seven”.
– Fathers, and expression “Live and learn” the wise?
– Well, sonny, and what?
– I again was kept in the same grade…
– The father, tell, and onions very useful?
– Yes, sonny.
– The father, and the very useful is swept away?
– Well of course, sonny.
– The father, then buy me chips with sour cream.
The son comes home with the two:
– The father, you only don’t worry!
– Well, you only don’t take offense!
– The father, and the truth, what fur of a hare becomes white in the winter?
– And why my gray cap still didn’t turn white?
– Fathers, and fathers! Buy me the new winchester!
– And magic word?
there now… And here passwords placed.
– The father, you are afraid of hares? – the little son asks.
– No, of course! From where you took?
– And then why you take with yourself a dog and the gun when you go on hunting behind them?
– The father, and dinosaurs had enemies?
– Were. Meteorites.
The boy drew the father and shows it drawing:
– Not bad drew, only why I have yellow hair?
– But because I didn’t find bald paint…
– Andryusha if you study so, your father will have gray hair.
– The father very much will be delighted, and that he bald!
The husband, the wife and the little son come back from guests. Late evening.
– Fathers, and fathers! And why so big moon?
– And? – the father shudders. – And who knows it, the sonny.
– And why so small stars?
– Stars? And who their sonny knows!
– Fathers, and fathers! And why…
– Will be enough, Petya! Let’s the father have a rest! You see, he was tired! – mother enters.
– Anything! – the father answers. – Let asks who to it except the father, will explain everything?!
The Malen:ky son with the father walks on a zoo. With a lion the son asks a cage:
– The father and if this lion eats you, on what number of the bus to me to go home?
– Here you see, Petenka, and the father too can redeem you, and you thought that we won’t do without mother!
– Yes, the father, only mother when bathes, always takes off from me boots…
Collect ten lids from under aerated water, chocolate wrappers, empty bottles, plastic glasses… And in general, bring an order to the house!
– Look what, darling, your t-shirt after washing by this powder became faultlessly white!
– Yes. But it was pleasant to me with strips much more!
– Horror! I open a bottle, and there a prize – the tape recorder. I open the second – the TV, a third – a trip at the sea…
– And what in it bad?
– So I it is simple to drink I wanted!
The man comes to edition of women’s magazine and complains:
– Oh, as advertizing costs much…
– But you don’t give any advertizing?
– I don’t give, and here the wife reads!
I have serious problems with reading books. Once I start reading in the subway something interesting, the person right there zakhlopavat the book and leaves the car!
Broadcast of a hockey match.
– Pass, one more pass, blow! The washer flies to a commentator cabin!. Shmena of a shoshtav.
The man comes to repair shop.
– Hello. You repair printers?
– Yes, we repair. And what with your printer?
– Yes you understand, I visit the website, I read jokes – ridiculously. And I print them – not ridiculously.
If you got lost in the wood, and the compass near at hand isn’t present, wait for fall – birds will depart to the south!
The World Cup in greed came to the end. Decided to hand gold, silver and bronze medals of jury to nobody.
In the trolleybus the elderly woman tries to give way to very thin young man.
– Sit down, poor! You that thin such? You are ill, perhaps?
– No, thanks. Student I.
– Well, give then though I will take your raincoat!
– It not the raincoat, is my friend Kolya!
– From that minute as I got acquainted with you, I can’t is, to drink…
– You so strongly fell in love?
– No, simply on all this doesn’t remain money.
The Gipsy with two small children calls to the apartment of new Russian. The door opens. Gipsy:
– The handsome, pay for services!
– You that! It together with a door will be carried away!
– Waiter, why pelmeni cold?
– So after all they Siberian!
– Darling you noticed how I repaired a cuckoo clock?
– Yes, now she leans out every fifteen minutes and asks: What time is it now?”