– The doctor, you will personally operate me?
– Yes: I love, whether you know, at least once in a year to check – whether I still remember something…
* * *
The doctor – to the patient:
– Your hours are considered! Tomorrow you go to work!
* * *
Whether you know that the illness is a condition of an organism when there is no wish to eat even what the doctor forbade?
* * *
– Generally I smoke only on pleasures, the doctor…
– Well, two-three cigarettes in a year it aren’t terrible for health.
* * *
– The doctor, you are sure, what one this small small bottle will be enough that helped?
– It is sure, anybody didn’t come for the second yet.
* * *
In a drugstore:
– You have something from glucocorticoids?
– No.
– And glucose?
– No!
– And…
– Here to you a calcium gluconate also slide from here, the addict unfortunate!!!
* * *
– To what institute admit without examinations?
– In Sklifosovsky’s Institute.
* * *
Jesus Christ decided to go down on the earth and to check, what about therapists.
It conducts reception, and to it the crooked old woman – hundred illnesses on centimeter square comes. A x-ray look Christ looks through it through, corrects it all sores, – the grandma became straight, looked younger.
– Go good luck, be not sick.
Behind a door the support group looks forward:
– Well as newcomer?
– Yes same as – even pressure I didn’t measure all:
* * *
There are in a smoking-room three gynecologists:
– And what it all of us about work and about work? Give, perhaps, about women…
– Affairs of your husband are very bad! You can talk to it, but you remember: absolute rest is necessary for it.
– Of course, the doctor, I won’t excite him at all. I will ask to write the will only.
* * *
The child was brought to the doctor.
– The boy, something disturbs you?
– No, disturbs nothing me. It is the grandfather disturbs that I swallowed hours.
* * *
There is an operation in traumatologic hospital.
– Doctor! And I won’t lose a foot?
– Depending on where you will store it!
* * *
– How to distinguish the gynecologist on the medical congress?
– Only it has one hours on a forearm.
* * *
– I have a patient for you two news, good and bad. With what we will begin?
– Give bad news and words about the good!
– Why?!
– You understand, I am a journalist…
* * *
On the street the doctor and the plumber met: – Well, the friend, здоровьишко doesn’t play pranks? – Anything, as it should be. And how at you? The crane doesn’t proceed?
* * *
– Young man, what points at you!!!
– It not points, the doctor, is pupils.
* * *
The dentist – to the probationer:
– At this patient it is necessary to remove a nerve. Only, please, don’t mix the six on the lower jaw with a patella as you made it last time.
In 15 minutes.
Probationer:
– Sorry, the doctor and what to do if the nerve of such length (shows)
Doctor:
– The Ta-a-ak. (looks out in a corridor) the Sister! Ask the chief physician that to do to us with a spinal cord!
* * *
– Here to you medicine, accept on 3 teaspoons 2 times a day.
– But at my place only 2 teaspoons…
* * *
– The doctor what to apply at the splitting headache?
– Glue.
* * *
– The doctor how to live till 100 years?
– Very simply: drink every morning on a cup of hot tea within 62400 weeks.
* * *
– The doctor, I so snore at night that I wake up from own snore. What you will advise?
– You sleep in other room.
* * *
– The doctor, everyone morning after I will get up, at me the whole hour is turned the head.
– Get up 60 minutes later.
* * *
The trichologist – to the patient:
– I with your bald head will be able to make nothing. Address to the surgeon. It will cut down so that hair were enough for the rest.
* * *
Rabinovich returned after medical examination.
– Well as? – members of household ask.
– It is absolutely healthy! Found only one spirokheta, and that already pale.
* * *
– We introduced new rules in hospital, – the doctor warns the patient. – Right after operation you get up from a table and you go along the corridor to chamber, it is as if bad to you was. Next day to pass 5 times round hospital, and on the third –
to run ten kilometers. Questions are?
– And during operation it is possible to lie a little bit?
* * *
– O-au! – the doctor speaks, entering into chamber. – Today you look much better.
– Still, I strictly followed that that is written on your small bottle.
– To what exactly?
– To store the reliably sealed.
* * *
– Patient! You shouldn’t drink, smoke and have a good time with women.
– And how long, doctor?
– If carries – that not for long…
* * *
Strongly thought lady comes into policlinic and asks:
– The man, you the last to the gynecologist?
– Aha. I only at first to the surgeon run – I will replace a floor.
* * *
– Sorry, the patient that kept you waiting so long.
– Anything, anything, it is only a pity that you didn’t find my illness at earlier stage.
* * *
– Why you refuse to make a privika from smallpox?
– After it my grandfather died.
– From smallpox?
– No, I fell from the 7th floor.
* * *
– How at you with appetite?
– That is, there is no it.
– And when it isn’t present?
– Well, when I will densely eat.
* * *
– Here to you sleeping pill for 6 days.
– But I don’t want to sleep so long!
* * *
– Why you don’t drink a lekarst?
– They opposite.
– And you drink drugs and think that it is cognac.
– I will better drink cognac and to think that I drink drugs.
* * *
– The patient, your mouth is open.
– I know, I opened him…
* * *
Doctor to the patient:-Remember that deep breath destroys microbes.
– Unless? But how them to force to breathe deeply?
* * *
During operation the woman unexpectedly recovers and speaks:
“The doctor, unmask, I recognized you.”
* * *
The man complains to the doctor:
– The doctor, I will fall asleep – nightmares dream, I will wake up – the nightmare lies nearby!…
* * *
– And now, the patient, bend a knee.
– In what party, the doctor?
* * *
– The doctor, tell, I will live?
– Yes, you will live.
– Hurrah, I will live at the doctor!!!
* * *
– Doctor! I want to lose weight. Offer me a diet.
– Well, eat daily a piece of black bread with margarine, apple and tea without sugar.
– And it to food or after?
* * *
The chairman speaks at congress of therapists:
– Everything who for this resolution, flick out tongue, please, languages and tell “aa”.
* * *
Record in illness stories: “Violation of orientation in space. At a type of a women’s skirt falls under it”.
* * *
– When here hurts you?
– When I breathe.
– Well, three days sit at home, you don’t breathe, and then I will visit you.
* * *
The doctor visited patients at home: husband and wife. After survey relatives ask:
– Well as?
– I am afraid, – the doctor answers, – that both will become a widow/widower soon.
* * *
– The doctor, in a reception the patient fainted!
– Let will enter without turn.
* * *
– My dog saved to me life.
– How it turned out?
– I was sick, and it didn’t allow the doctor to enter my house.
* * *
The surgeon on memorial service at the former patient:
– All of us have the right for a mistake… Thank God that we aren’t sappers.
* * *
– Loves, doesn’t love, loves, doesn’t love…
– The doctor, leave alone my teeth!
* * *
Two girlfriends talk:
– You by all means should descend to my doctor.
– But at me everything is all right.
– The remarkable doctor – surely will find something.
* * *
The doctor took vacation for a week and went on hunting. Comes back to the hospital disappointed:
– So also I didn’t kill anybody! – he speaks to the nurse.
– Da-and, answers that. – For this purpose it would be better for you to remain here, in hospital.
* * *
– The doctor, I will live?
– And what, without it in any way?
* * *
The doctor speaks to the nurse:
– Maria Ivanovna, I repeat the last time: white and round are tablets, and black and square are nuts. To you all the same, and here patients complain…
* * *
– The doctor, earlier I could eat nothing, and now I eat everything!
– And how chair?
– And chair too!
* * *
The patient comes to the doctor-oculist:
– The doctor, I have very strange case of daltonism. I don’t see one color.
– Which?
– Well from where to me nobility, doctor! I never saw it!
* * *
The surgeon speaks to the patient who is trained for operation:
– You have nothing to be afraid. It is my sixteenth operation so it has to turn out eventually!
* * *
– Hallo, fast? Come soon! My wife has a delirium tremens.
– How you defined?
– Here the full room of devils, and it doesn’t see them!!!
* * *
The man comes to the doctor with complaints to chronic fatigue. The doctor speaks:
– You should cut sexual activity by half.
– Ah here it that… Then that you will advise me, the doctor: to cease to speak about sex or to stop thinking about it?
* * *
– Prepare the husband for the worst.
– The doctor, he will die?
– Much worse. He won’t be able to drink beer any more…
* * *
– The doctor, what is it on the roentgenogram?
– It? It we after the diploma with children acted. Group for memory.
* * *
– The doctor, something at me with an eye badly!
– And without an eye, you think, it will be better?!
* * *
– There are no doubts! You were poisoned!
– My God! Doctor! How? Than?
– Oh, please, don’t worry! All of us will find out on opening!
* * *
The doctor examines the patient, and keeps saying confident, vigorous tone:
– So, well, well, very well!
The patient to whom poorly, screwing up the face, asks:
– What is good, and?
– It is good that I don’t have it!
* * *
The man to the stomatologist comes and sits down in a chair. But only the doctor brought to him the drill rotating at reckless speed – the patient a bullet and with shout “Thanks, the doctor” takes off from a chair and runs away.
It repeats two more days. Next day the doctor met the friend – the sexopathologist. Behind conversation and beer the stomatologist told it about strange visits.
That grinned:
– Aaaa… This… My client! The masochist with a premature ejaculation…
* * *
The doctor writes out tablets to the blonde:
– Accept on two pieces before laying down in a bed.
– Aha, it on forty pieces a day turns out…
* * *
– Mother, tell, my grandfather was a proctologist?
– Your grandfather was the well-known proctologist!
– And father too proctologist?
– Your father – the remarkable proctologist!
– And I when I grow up?
– And you, I are sure, will become the excellent proctologist!
– But I want to become a mechanic!
– Here still! You want to be picked all life dirt?!
* * *
From the announcement:
– The skilled gynecologist (length of service of 40 years) will get acquainted with the woman who will be able it though something to surprise.
* * *
Pharmacologists of Australia invented the latest drastic remedy against baldness. It is worth bald drinking a bottle of this means, and one bald will become less.
* * *
Announcement.
The skilled proctologist will quickly define, from where at you hands grow…
* * *
The old man comes into a drugstore and asks:
– Tell, you have acetilsalicylic acid? It is such preparation possessing febrifugal and soothing property, it still contains a sodium carbonate.
– Aspirin, perhaps?
– Precisely, it! Here a sclerosis, everything I can’t remember the name in any way!
* * *
From the speech of the chief physician of hospital:
– Visitors climb to patients through a window of the sixth floor. Therefore visitors becomes less, and is more increasing than patients…
* * *
The doctor – the nurse:
– If I am not mistaken, apparently, I charged to you to take blood from the patient from the sixth chamber?
– Yes, the doctor, I took. It exactly 5.2 liters.
* * *
– Doctor, what condition of the new patient?
– A difficult question, but we will hope… that will be enough for treatment.
* * *
– The doctor, I work as a horse, I eat as a pig, I am dog-tired. What shall I do?
– I don’t know, I am not a veterinarian… Following!
* * *
At the doctor of the house the toilet bowl got littered. Called the plumber. The plumber came, few times somewhere knocked a hammer, replaced laying, put the clamp and speaks:
– It is ready, everything works. From you 500 rubles.
– How 500 rubles? In five minutes of work? I am a neurosurgeon, I studied 12 years specialty, but in 5 minutes of work 500 rubles don’t pay me.
– So it is normal. When I the neurosurgeon was, to me too so didn’t pay!
* * *
Time, of course, treats more long, than doctors. But also cripples not so quickly.
* * *
At medical institute professor gives lecture about frostbite:
– At frostbite of extremities it is necessary to pound immediately them snow…
Voice from back rows:
– And in the summer, in the summer than to pound?
* * *
From a medical card: “Sick Ivanov. I arrived with an illness of veins, it is written out from veins. illness”.
* * *
– The doctor, I have no hereditary diseases, I am an orphan…
* * *
In the stomatologist’s office the probationer deletes two hours to the patient a nerve.
The patient doesn’t maintain and speaks:
– Give me a drill, I at least will be able to be protected!.
* * *
The mechanic in garage digs in the motor, changing the valve, and sees the cardiosurgeon going by.
– Hey, the doctor why so – I change the valve in the motor and after that the motor fyrchit as the newcomer. You too change the valve in the motor. Why you take so much money for the same work?
– And you try it to make on the working engine…
* * *
– You know, the doctor, means that you prescribed me last time, helped.
what can I say? Happens…
* * *
In a drugstore:
– Give me medicine.
– What?
– On your taste!
* * *
– On what you complain, the patient?
– On the head.
– Hurts?
– Disturbs!!!
* * *
– The patient, for the 100-th time I repeat: amnesia we don’t treat!
* * *
The doctor – to the patient:
– You have to refuse immediately from sweet, bakery products, any alcohol, cigarettes, coffee, to reduce sexual contacts to a minimum… Yes, and the most important – enjoy life more, my dear!
* * *
– Never eat on an empty stomach…
* * *
The doctor becomes angry about the nurse:
– You can’t write the culinary recipes on other paper, but not on my forms?! Again made for my patient in a drugstore your foolish goulash!
* * *
– The patient, how do you feel after operation?
– Now it is it seems normal, and here before operation there was such feeling as though a log knocked on the head…
– Well excuse, the patient: our anesthesia came to an end!
* * *
– Doctor…
– Keep silent, I listen to you!!!
* * *
The surgeon has dinner at home. Addresses to the wife:
– Plate. Fork. Meat. Scalpel.
* * *
The patient – to the doctor:
– The doctor, find at me any other illness. This is too expensive for me.
* * *
The patient was on the mend. But I didn’t reach.
* * *
– Hallo, policlinic? I can make an appointment with the doctor?
– You can, but we have a turn for half a year.
– And from where patients know, than they will be ill in half a year?
* * *
Somehow asked Hippocrates, whether is the genius an illness. He answered: “Certainly, it is an illness. But, unfortunately, very rare and absolutely not infectious”.
* * *
Professor-parasitologist, looking in a microscope:
– Something you, an infection, wasn’t visible long ago?
* * *
– The doctor, my head is turned!
– Quietly, quietly, I see everything…
* * *
– Following!. Patient! Well as you came? You the patient, or think, what we make jokes here? Leave and come as it is necessary – feet are bent, a hand on a stomach, from a mouth vigorous groan!
* * *
– I was at several doctors – and any doesn’t agree with your diagnosis.
– Well, we will wait for opening…
* * *
The doctor speaks to the patient having obesity:
– You can eat everything that want! And here to you the list of that you have to want.
* * *
Entry in the sick-list:
“Diagnosis preliminary: attrition of the left heel. Diagnosis final: fracture of the right foot”.
* * *
– Why I so grow stout, the doctor?
– You have in a body a surplus of liquid, the monsieur.
– And it seemed to me, I so drink a little… Well, now I won’t put ice in whisky.
* * *
The patient comes to the doctor:
– I you had a doctor three months ago. You found in me rheumatism and recommended to avoid damp.
– Yes, I remember. And with what you again to me welcomed?
– Doctor, darling, I can be washed, at last?
* * *
Doctor:
– You smoke?
Patient:
– No.
– You drink?
– No.
– He it is necessary to grin so idiotic, I all the same will find something!
* * *
– The doctor, help, something somewhere hurts me!
– Well, well, now I to you will write out some tablets.
* * *
The lady complains to the doctor that it has no children. Doctor:
– Perhaps, this hereditary… Tell, your mother had children?
* * *
– The doctor, tell why you to me replaced a preparation?
– And what forces you you think, what I replaced it?
– Yes earlier, when I threw tablets into a toilet bowl, they floated, and now began to sink…
* * *
I will answer questions only in the presence of my personal psychiatrist!
