– The doctor, you will personally operate me?
– Yes: I love, whether you know, at least once in a year to check – whether I still remember something…
* * *
The doctor – to the patient:
– Your hours are considered! Tomorrow you go to work!
* * *
Whether you know that the illness is a condition of an organism when there is no wish to eat even what the doctor forbade?
* * *
– Generally I smoke only on pleasures, the doctor…
– Well, two-three cigarettes in a year it aren’t terrible for health.
* * *
– The doctor, you are sure, what one this small small bottle will be enough that helped?
– It is sure, anybody didn’t come for the second yet.
* * *
In a drugstore:
– You have something from glucocorticoids?
– No.
– And glucose?
– No!
– And…
– Here to you a calcium gluconate also slide from here, the addict unfortunate!!!
* * *
– To what institute admit without examinations?
– In Sklifosovsky’s Institute.
* * *
Jesus Christ decided to go down on the earth and to check, what about therapists.
It conducts reception, and to it the crooked old woman – hundred illnesses on centimeter square comes. A x-ray look Christ looks through it through, corrects it all sores, – the grandma became straight, looked younger.
– Go good luck, be not sick.
Behind a door the support group looks forward:
– Well as newcomer?
– Yes same as – even pressure I didn’t measure all:
* * *
There are in a smoking-room three gynecologists:
– And what it all of us about work and about work? Give, perhaps, about women…
– Affairs of your husband are very bad! You can talk to it, but you remember: absolute rest is necessary for it.
– Of course, the doctor, I won’t excite him at all. I will ask to write the will only.
* * *
The child was brought to the doctor.
– The boy, something disturbs you?
– No, disturbs nothing me. It is the grandfather disturbs that I swallowed hours.
* * *
There is an operation in traumatologic hospital.
– Doctor! And I won’t lose a foot?
– Depending on where you will store it!
* * *
– How to distinguish the gynecologist on the medical congress?
– Only it has one hours on a forearm.
* * *
– I have a patient for you two news, good and bad. With what we will begin?
– Give bad news and words about the good!
– Why?!
– You understand, I am a journalist…
* * *
On the street the doctor and the plumber met: – Well, the friend, здоровьишко doesn’t play pranks? – Anything, as it should be. And how at you? The crane doesn’t proceed?
* * *
– Young man, what points at you!!!
– It not points, the doctor, is pupils.
* * *
The dentist – to the probationer:
– At this patient it is necessary to remove a nerve. Only, please, don’t mix the six on the lower jaw with a patella as you made it last time.
In 15 minutes.
Probationer:
– Sorry, the doctor and what to do if the nerve of such length (shows)
Doctor:
– The Ta-a-ak. (looks out in a corridor) the Sister! Ask the chief physician that to do to us with a spinal cord!
* * *
– Here to you medicine, accept on 3 teaspoons 2 times a day.
– But at my place only 2 teaspoons…
* * *
– The doctor what to apply at the splitting headache?
– Glue.
* * *
– The doctor how to live till 100 years?
– Very simply: drink every morning on a cup of hot tea within 62400 weeks.
* * *
– The doctor, I so snore at night that I wake up from own snore. What you will advise?
– You sleep in other room.
* * *
– The doctor, everyone morning after I will get up, at me the whole hour is turned the head.
– Get up 60 minutes later.
* * *
The trichologist – to the patient:
– I with your bald head will be able to make nothing. Address to the surgeon. It will cut down so that hair were enough for the rest.
* * *
Rabinovich returned after medical examination.
– Well as? – members of household ask.
– It is absolutely healthy! Found only one spirokheta, and that already pale.
* * *
– We introduced new rules in hospital, – the doctor warns the patient. – Right after operation you get up from a table and you go along the corridor to chamber, it is as if bad to you was. Next day to pass 5 times round hospital, and on the third –
to run ten kilometers. Questions are?
– And during operation it is possible to lie a little bit?
* * *
– O-au! – the doctor speaks, entering into chamber. – Today you look much better.
– Still, I strictly followed that that is written on your small bottle.
– To what exactly?
– To store the reliably sealed.
* * *
– Patient! You shouldn’t drink, smoke and have a good time with women.
– And how long, doctor?
– If carries – that not for long…
* * *
Strongly thought lady comes into policlinic and asks:
– The man, you the last to the gynecologist?
– Aha. I only at first to the surgeon run – I will replace a floor.
* * *
– Sorry, the patient that kept you waiting so long.
– Anything, anything, it is only a pity that you didn’t find my illness at earlier stage.
* * *
– Why you refuse to make a privika from smallpox?
– After it my grandfather died.
– From smallpox?
– No, I fell from the 7th floor.
* * *
– How at you with appetite?
– That is, there is no it.
– And when it isn’t present?
– Well, when I will densely eat.
* * *
– Here to you sleeping pill for 6 days.
– But I don’t want to sleep so long!
* * *
– Why you don’t drink a lekarst?
– They opposite.
– And you drink drugs and think that it is cognac.
– I will better drink cognac and to think that I drink drugs.
* * *
– The patient, your mouth is open.
– I know, I opened him…
* * *
Doctor to the patient:-Remember that deep breath destroys microbes.
– Unless? But how them to force to breathe deeply?
* * *
During operation the woman unexpectedly recovers and speaks:
“The doctor, unmask, I recognized you.”
* * *
The man complains to the doctor:
– The doctor, I will fall asleep – nightmares dream, I will wake up – the nightmare lies nearby!…
* * *
– And now, the patient, bend a knee.
– In what party, the doctor?
* * *
– The doctor, tell, I will live?
– Yes, you will live.
– Hurrah, I will live at the doctor!!!
* * *
– Doctor! I want to lose weight. Offer me a diet.
– Well, eat daily a piece of black bread with margarine, apple and tea without sugar.
– And it to food or after?
* * *
The chairman speaks at congress of therapists:
– Everything who for this resolution, flick out tongue, please, languages and tell “aa”.
* * *
Record in illness stories: “Violation of orientation in space. At a type of a women’s skirt falls under it”.
* * *
– When here hurts you?
– When I breathe.
– Well, three days sit at home, you don’t breathe, and then I will visit you.
* * *
The doctor visited patients at home: husband and wife. After survey relatives ask:
– Well as?
– I am afraid, – the doctor answers, – that both will become a widow/widower soon.
* * *
– The doctor, in a reception the patient fainted!
– Let will enter without turn.
* * *
– My dog saved to me life.
– How it turned out?
– I was sick, and it didn’t allow the doctor to enter my house.
* * *
The surgeon on memorial service at the former patient:
– All of us have the right for a mistake… Thank God that we aren’t sappers.
* * *
– Loves, doesn’t love, loves, doesn’t love…
– The doctor, leave alone my teeth!
* * *
Two girlfriends talk:
– You by all means should descend to my doctor.
– But at me everything is all right.
– The remarkable doctor – surely will find something.
* * *
The doctor took vacation for a week and went on hunting. Comes back to the hospital disappointed:
– So also I didn’t kill anybody! – he speaks to the nurse.
– Da-and, answers that. – For this purpose it would be better for you to remain here, in hospital.
* * *
– The doctor, I will live?
– And what, without it in any way?
* * *
The doctor speaks to the nurse:
– Maria Ivanovna, I repeat the last time: white and round are tablets, and black and square are nuts. To you all the same, and here patients complain…
* * *
– The doctor, earlier I could eat nothing, and now I eat everything!
– And how chair?
– And chair too!
* * *
The patient comes to the doctor-oculist:
– The doctor, I have very strange case of daltonism. I don’t see one color.
– Which?
– Well from where to me nobility, doctor! I never saw it!
* * *
The surgeon speaks to the patient who is trained for operation:
– You have nothing to be afraid. It is my sixteenth operation so it has to turn out eventually!
* * *
– Hallo, fast? Come soon! My wife has a delirium tremens.
– How you defined?
– Here the full room of devils, and it doesn’t see them!!!
* * *
The man comes to the doctor with complaints to chronic fatigue. The doctor speaks:
– You should cut sexual activity by half.
– Ah here it that… Then that you will advise me, the doctor: to cease to speak about sex or to stop thinking about it?
* * *
– Prepare the husband for the worst.
– The doctor, he will die?
– Much worse. He won’t be able to drink beer any more…
* * *
– The doctor, what is it on the roentgenogram?
– It? It we after the diploma with children acted. Group for memory.
* * *
– The doctor, something at me with an eye badly!
– And without an eye, you think, it will be better?!
* * *
– There are no doubts! You were poisoned!
– My God! Doctor! How? Than?
– Oh, please, don’t worry! All of us will find out on opening!
* * *
The doctor examines the patient, and keeps saying confident, vigorous tone:
– So, well, well, very well!
The patient to whom poorly, screwing up the face, asks:
– What is good, and?
– It is good that I don’t have it!
* * *
The man to the stomatologist comes and sits down in a chair. But only the doctor brought to him the drill rotating at reckless speed – the patient a bullet and with shout “Thanks, the doctor” takes off from a chair and runs away.
It repeats two more days. Next day the doctor met the friend – the sexopathologist. Behind conversation and beer the stomatologist told it about strange visits.
That grinned:
– Aaaa… This… My client! The masochist with a premature ejaculation…
