– But I don’t want to sleep so long!
* * *
– Why you don’t drink a lekarst?
– They opposite.
– And you drink drugs and think that it is cognac.
– I will better drink cognac and to think that I drink drugs.
* * *
– The patient, your mouth is open.
– I know, I opened him…
* * *
Doctor to the patient:-Remember that deep breath destroys microbes.
– Unless? But how them to force to breathe deeply?
* * *
During operation the woman unexpectedly recovers and speaks:
“The doctor, unmask, I recognized you.”
* * *
The man complains to the doctor:
– The doctor, I will fall asleep – nightmares dream, I will wake up – the nightmare lies nearby!…
* * *
– And now, the patient, bend a knee.
– In what party, the doctor?
* * *
– The doctor, tell, I will live?
– Yes, you will live.
– Hurrah, I will live at the doctor!!!
* * *
– Doctor! I want to lose weight. Offer me a diet.
– Well, eat daily a piece of black bread with margarine, apple and tea without sugar.
– And it to food or after?
* * *
The chairman speaks at congress of therapists:
– Everything who for this resolution, flick out tongue, please, languages and tell “aa”.
* * *
Record in illness stories: “Violation of orientation in space. At a type of a women’s skirt falls under it”.
* * *
– When here hurts you?
– When I breathe.
– Well, three days sit at home, you don’t breathe, and then I will visit you.
* * *
The doctor visited patients at home: husband and wife. After survey relatives ask:
– Well as?
– I am afraid, – the doctor answers, – that both will become a widow/widower soon.
* * *
– The doctor, in a reception the patient fainted!
– Let will enter without turn.
* * *
– My dog saved to me life.
– How it turned out?
– I was sick, and it didn’t allow the doctor to enter my house.
* * *
The surgeon on memorial service at the former patient:
– All of us have the right for a mistake… Thank God that we aren’t sappers.
* * *
– Loves, doesn’t love, loves, doesn’t love…
– The doctor, leave alone my teeth!
* * *
Two girlfriends talk:
– You by all means should descend to my doctor.
– But at me everything is all right.
– The remarkable doctor – surely will find something.
* * *
The doctor took vacation for a week and went on hunting. Comes back to the hospital disappointed:
– So also I didn’t kill anybody! – he speaks to the nurse.
– Da-and, answers that. – For this purpose it would be better for you to remain here, in hospital.
* * *
– The doctor, I will live?
– And what, without it in any way?
* * *
The doctor speaks to the nurse:
– Maria Ivanovna, I repeat the last time: white and round are tablets, and black and square are nuts. To you all the same, and here patients complain…
* * *
– The doctor, earlier I could eat nothing, and now I eat everything!
– And how chair?
– And chair too!
* * *
The patient comes to the doctor-oculist:
– The doctor, I have very strange case of daltonism. I don’t see one color.
– Which?
– Well from where to me nobility, doctor! I never saw it!
* * *
The surgeon speaks to the patient who is trained for operation:
– You have nothing to be afraid. It is my sixteenth operation so it has to turn out eventually!
* * *
– Hallo, fast? Come soon! My wife has a delirium tremens.
– How you defined?
– Here the full room of devils, and it doesn’t see them!!!
* * *
The man comes to the doctor with complaints to chronic fatigue. The doctor speaks:
– You should cut sexual activity by half.
– Ah here it that… Then that you will advise me, the doctor: to cease to speak about sex or to stop thinking about it?
* * *
– Prepare the husband for the worst.
– The doctor, he will die?
– Much worse. He won’t be able to drink beer any more…
* * *
– The doctor, what is it on the roentgenogram?
– It? It we after the diploma with children acted. Group for memory.
* * *
– The doctor, something at me with an eye badly!
– And without an eye, you think, it will be better?!
* * *
– There are no doubts! You were poisoned!
– My God! Doctor! How? Than?
– Oh, please, don’t worry! All of us will find out on opening!
* * *
The doctor examines the patient, and keeps saying confident, vigorous tone:
– So, well, well, very well!
The patient to whom poorly, screwing up the face, asks:
– What is good, and?
– It is good that I don’t have it!
* * *
The man to the stomatologist comes and sits down in a chair. But only the doctor brought to him the drill rotating at reckless speed – the patient a bullet and with shout “Thanks, the doctor” takes off from a chair and runs away.
It repeats two more days. Next day the doctor met the friend – the sexopathologist. Behind conversation and beer the stomatologist told it about strange visits.
That grinned:
– Aaaa… This… My client! The masochist with a premature ejaculation…
* * *
The doctor writes out tablets to the blonde:
– Accept on two pieces before laying down in a bed.
– Aha, it on forty pieces a day turns out…
* * *
– Mother, tell, my grandfather was a proctologist?
– Your grandfather was the well-known proctologist!
– And father too proctologist?
– Your father – the remarkable proctologist!
– And I when I grow up?
– And you, I are sure, will become the excellent proctologist!