– But I want to become a mechanic!
– Here still! You want to be picked all life dirt?!
* * *
From the announcement:
– The skilled gynecologist (length of service of 40 years) will get acquainted with the woman who will be able it though something to surprise.
* * *
Pharmacologists of Australia invented the latest drastic remedy against baldness. It is worth bald drinking a bottle of this means, and one bald will become less.
* * *
Announcement.
The skilled proctologist will quickly define, from where at you hands grow…
* * *
The old man comes into a drugstore and asks:
– Tell, you have acetilsalicylic acid? It is such preparation possessing febrifugal and soothing property, it still contains a sodium carbonate.
– Aspirin, perhaps?
– Precisely, it! Here a sclerosis, everything I can’t remember the name in any way!
* * *
From the speech of the chief physician of hospital:
– Visitors climb to patients through a window of the sixth floor. Therefore visitors becomes less, and is more increasing than patients…
* * *
The doctor – the nurse:
– If I am not mistaken, apparently, I charged to you to take blood from the patient from the sixth chamber?
– Yes, the doctor, I took. It exactly 5.2 liters.
* * *
– Doctor, what condition of the new patient?
– A difficult question, but we will hope… that will be enough for treatment.
* * *
– The doctor, I work as a horse, I eat as a pig, I am dog-tired. What shall I do?
– I don’t know, I am not a veterinarian… Following!
* * *
At the doctor of the house the toilet bowl got littered. Called the plumber. The plumber came, few times somewhere knocked a hammer, replaced laying, put the clamp and speaks:
– It is ready, everything works. From you 500 rubles.
– How 500 rubles? In five minutes of work? I am a neurosurgeon, I studied 12 years specialty, but in 5 minutes of work 500 rubles don’t pay me.
– So it is normal. When I the neurosurgeon was, to me too so didn’t pay!
* * *
Time, of course, treats more long, than doctors. But also cripples not so quickly.
* * *
At medical institute professor gives lecture about frostbite:
– At frostbite of extremities it is necessary to pound immediately them snow…
Voice from back rows:
– And in the summer, in the summer than to pound?
* * *
From a medical card: “Sick Ivanov. I arrived with an illness of veins, it is written out from veins. illness”.
* * *
– The doctor, I have no hereditary diseases, I am an orphan…
* * *
In the stomatologist’s office the probationer deletes two hours to the patient a nerve.
The patient doesn’t maintain and speaks:
– Give me a drill, I at least will be able to be protected!.
* * *
The mechanic in garage digs in the motor, changing the valve, and sees the cardiosurgeon going by.
– Hey, the doctor why so – I change the valve in the motor and after that the motor fyrchit as the newcomer. You too change the valve in the motor. Why you take so much money for the same work?
– And you try it to make on the working engine…
* * *
– You know, the doctor, means that you prescribed me last time, helped.
what can I say? Happens…
* * *
In a drugstore:
– Give me medicine.
– What?
– On your taste!
* * *
– On what you complain, the patient?
– On the head.
– Hurts?
– Disturbs!!!
* * *
– The patient, for the 100-th time I repeat: amnesia we don’t treat!
* * *
The doctor – to the patient:
– You have to refuse immediately from sweet, bakery products, any alcohol, cigarettes, coffee, to reduce sexual contacts to a minimum… Yes, and the most important – enjoy life more, my dear!
* * *
– Never eat on an empty stomach…
* * *
The doctor becomes angry about the nurse:
– You can’t write the culinary recipes on other paper, but not on my forms?! Again made for my patient in a drugstore your foolish goulash!
* * *
– The patient, how do you feel after operation?
– Now it is it seems normal, and here before operation there was such feeling as though a log knocked on the head…
– Well excuse, the patient: our anesthesia came to an end!
* * *
– Doctor…
– Keep silent, I listen to you!!!
* * *
The surgeon has dinner at home. Addresses to the wife:
– Plate. Fork. Meat. Scalpel.
* * *
The patient – to the doctor:
– The doctor, find at me any other illness. This is too expensive for me.
* * *
The patient was on the mend. But I didn’t reach.
* * *
– Hallo, policlinic? I can make an appointment with the doctor?
– You can, but we have a turn for half a year.
– And from where patients know, than they will be ill in half a year?
* * *
Somehow asked Hippocrates, whether is the genius an illness. He answered: “Certainly, it is an illness. But, unfortunately, very rare and absolutely not infectious”.
* * *
Professor-parasitologist, looking in a microscope:
– Something you, an infection, wasn’t visible long ago?
* * *
– The doctor, my head is turned!
– Quietly, quietly, I see everything…
* * *
– Following!. Patient! Well as you came? You the patient, or think, what we make jokes here? Leave and come as it is necessary – feet are bent, a hand on a stomach, from a mouth vigorous groan!
* * *
– I was at several doctors – and any doesn’t agree with your diagnosis.